Meeting for a cup of coffee on the first date almost guarantees that you will not get a second, according to a relationship expert who hates the idea of a cliché-café meeting.
Australian professional dating coach Louanne Ward said the noisy, unpleasant and often crowded environment at your favorite café is another date killer.
In fact, she has five reasons why she would never choose a ‘boring’ coffee date right from the start – and believes they may be the reason many of her followers are single.
Professional dating coach Louanne Ward says the noisy, uncomfortable and often crowded environment of your favorite café is another date killer
Louanne said that people walking in and out of a cafe can be distracting and take your attention away from you.
She said the table creates a barrier in a typical seating arrangement – leaving potential new couples at an arm’s length from the start.
People are more like trying to fire off questions in an intimidating interview style on a coffee date because they are traditional short meetings, she explained.
Extending the date can be awkward, Louanne said, unless you and your potential partner are comfortable drinking back-to-back coffee.
“Meeting over a cup of coffee does not make a date,” she said.
But most said that ‘coffee date’ is misinterpreted as a real date – when it is designed as a casual retrieval before ‘correct dates’ take place.
“It’s definitely not a date,” one woman said.
‘For me, it’s more of a meet and greet to measure mutual attraction and interest. Depending on how I felt, I would then consider an actual ‘date’ in a more intimate environment, she continued.
And others agreed.
‘A coffee date is not a date. It’s the precursor to seeing if you want an actual date and provides a quiet escape route for things going south, ‘explained one man.
Some asked for ‘better suggestions’.
‘What would you recommend doing / going on a first date? For me, the first dates should be a quick catch-up to see if there is some kind of spark or interest, “said another.
Louanne’s five reasons to avoid coffee dates:
1 – They are noisy, unpleasant and crowded.
2 – They are one of the most distracting places with people coming and going, diverting attention away from you !.
3 – You sit opposite each other with a table between you and create a barrier.
4 – Aware that you only have a short time, you fire questions that try to tick the important checklist
5 – There is little possibility of extending the date unless you plan to drink back-to-back coffee.
Source: Louanne Ward
Boring dates, namely coffee dates, were listed in Louanne’s top six dos and don’ts for successful dating in 2021.
FLEX YOUR SOCIAL TRUST MUSCLE
At the top of Louanne’s list if you want to be successful when dating is a good amount of social confidence.
“The gap between being an SMS hero and having social confidence is widening,” she wrote on her website.
‘Let the phone’s apps lie and talk to people in real time, instead of waiting for the right time to approach someone or wondering if they’re single – just say something!’
Louanne said the majority agree that there is nothing more attractive than someone who knows who or what they want and will go for it.
“Social confidence is a dating game changer,” she said.
2. STAY IN YOUR DATING
While things like looks, money and physical attraction are important, Louanne seeks to remind singles that these are ‘short-lived’.
Instead, focus on compatibility.
“Successful relationships thrive on compatibility, care and shared values, not superficial ego-driven desires,” she said.
Try to put a person’s personality in front of their appearance when you want to date them.
Louanne (pictured) said that the best first dates are often activity-based rather than a cliché like drinks or dinner
3. USE A SITE OR DATING APP AT THE TIME
Such as Tinder, Bumble and Plenty of Fish make modern dating a minefield.
Louanne said that if you want to be successful, you are best served by just using a dating site or app.
“Most people sign up for multiple dating apps to increase their chances, which also means they look at all platforms,” she said.
‘If your profile is seen everywhere, it can give the feeling that you are desperate or too pushy, whereas if you are only on one dating site psychologically, you create scarcity and appear as a rare find that can make you appear taller value. . ‘
Louanne said that if you want to be successful, you are best served by just using a dating site or an app (stock photo)
4. CREATE A NEW CODE FOR POSITIVE EXPERIENCES
While things like coffee, a drink or dinner may seem like the easiest options for a first date, Louanne said that we have all done these things and that you may be better off choosing a new kind of first date experience.
‘Activity-based dates such as cycling, hiking, a walk on the beach, picnics in the hills, a stroll around the zoo, wine tasting, sailing or canoeing will all help you stay present, find common ground and enjoy each other’s company,’ she said. .
The less clichéd the idea is, the better the date.
5. LEARN TO ACCEPT REJECTION
To some degree, we must all be rejected at some point in our quest for love.
Louanne recommends that you learn to accept this and move on from it. Ideally, you should learn from it as soon as possible.
6. USE VIRTUAL DATING FIRST
While lockdowns can mean many things are off the table, this does not have to mean that your dating life comes to a standstill.
“It’s important to make progress and try to maintain as much of your normal activities to some degree as possible,” Louanne said.
Although you may not be able to meet a potential date in person right now, you can ‘build the foundation’ and start connecting with people, which will make you want to meet them even more when you can.
THE RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT
1. DO NOT REMEMBER THROUGH THE EARLY STAGES
If you’re starting to date someone this year, Louanne said you shouldn’t rush through the early stages – and instead should ‘embrace the slower pace’.
“Instead of rushing through the first date to get straight to the bedroom, focus on getting to know the other person,” she said.
Again, physical attraction and chemistry can make you blind to the disadvantages. It is important to slow down and focus on a person’s personality.
2. DO NOT FOCUS ON WHY IT DOESN’T WORK, INSTEAD OF HOW IT COULD
Once we get into a new relationship, many of us are quick to spend all our time tinkering and looking for reasons why it will not work.
But Louanne said you need to look at the positive:
‘Do not let your past experiences or judgments dictate the outcome. Look at what you like, instead of what you do not, ‘she said.
When you go on a date, it is important that you let the conversation flow as much as possible – and avoid transactional questions (stock image)
3. DO NOT ASK TRANSACTIONAL QUESTIONS
When you go on a date, it is important that you let the conversation flow as much as possible – and avoid transactional questions.
Louanne said no one likes interview questions in interview style and it will quickly turn anyone off from you.
“Instead of trying to uncover what you can get out of the relationship and why you should date this person, consider what you have to contribute and what you bring to the table,” she said.
Keep things light-hearted, at least in the beginning.
4. DO NOT FALL IN THE 68ERS MEMORY SET
Again, Louanne said that it is important to stay in your own lane when trying to date, as even if you deserve someone who loves and appreciates you, it is a mismatch to want more than you have to offer.
“Being a perfect sixer who endures a perfect eight is not going to stay in your lane, nor will it help you attract the perfect partner or even the right dates,” she said.
Be realistic about what you are and what you want and prepare for good results.
5. DO NOT PAINT OR DOG FISH
It can be tempting to post flattering images that have become too filtered or hide the truth.
But Louanne said it will only lead you to failure.
“Do not post pictures to entice people who mistakenly make them swipe or connect,” she said.
It is always better to love yourself as you are and tell the truth.
6. DO NOT GET AHEAD WITH VIRTUAL DATING FANTASIES
Finally, while virtual dating is good – and there is room for it – Louanne said you should not get ahead of yourself.
“Nothing replaces dating in real life,” she said.
‘It is not until you physically meet, touch or kiss that you can discover if there is a reality in the tape.’
By all means, she said you should talk to and continue dating people online while you are in lockdown, but wait until you can meet before classifying them as “the one”.
For more information on Louanne Ward, visit her website here.